Al-Gebra The New Terrorism Threat

// August 25th, 2006 // Funnies // 6,756 views

NEW YORK — A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. “Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales said.

“They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

“They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

[Via email]

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10 Responses to “Al-Gebra The New Terrorism Threat”

angel says:

August 26, 2006 at 1:26 am

AAAHA!! i always KNEW my teachers at school had an ulterior motive!
shortypam says:

August 28, 2006 at 9:51 am

george bush is an idiot.
Aquila says:

August 28, 2006 at 10:02 am

The funny thing is, that if this article was actually true, he probably would have said something to that effect.
shortypam says:

August 28, 2006 at 10:14 am

there are two words for him in the dictionary… stupid and freak, honestly man u would swear the man lived in a box and only came out once in a while 4 fresh air and to blow hot air.
Mokopa says:

September 4, 2006 at 5:42 pm

*Sigh*. Ok, I found the original post to be seriously funny and well-written, but shortypam’s comments have nearly ruined it.

First, it’s bad form to call somebody an idiot after reading statements which they didn’t even make because they’re part of a joke. Regardless of whether you thought Bush was stupid before you saw this joke, or whether you did actually realise that this was a joke, it makes you look stupid.

Secondly, the claim that “Bush is an idiot” really doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Not only did his college SAT scores put him in the top 15% of the country, but analysing his scores on the US Air Force’s Officer Candidacy Test results in an estimated IQ of 125. In addition, he not only qualified to enter Yale (this was before his father had significant influence), but he achieved a higher average score than John Kerry during his years there and he qualified to attend Harvard for an MBA. Not exactly the stuff of an idiot.

Further, I fail to see which actions he undertook could be considered dumb. The so-called “Bush Doctrine” may be unconventional, but the thinking behind it is first-rate. Oppose those who support terrorism while supporting and assisting the spread of liberty to those trapped in totalitarian states. There’s nothing wrong with this: Indeed in many ways it resembles the sort of policy John F. Kennedy might have championed. His other actions, such as invading Iraq and Afghanistan, also made sense intellectually. Even aside from the issues of WMDs, it’s certainly not stupid to believe that getting rid of a murderous dictator and cutting off his funding for terrorism would be a good thing. Bush was ridiculed for his assertion that Iraqis would both understand and take to democracy, but he was proven correct when 8 million of them (the vast majority) went to the polls to elect a government. Not so stupid, eh?

In fact, the only reason most people have for calling Bush stupid is his awkward speaking style and occasional mangling of words. But on any objective level this is ridiculous, as the ability to speak well has never been a perfect indicator of intelligence. It is common to meet university professors, distinguished engineers and scientists whose speaking ability is embarrassingly bad, while we’ve all seen air-headed actors and news presenters with great speaking ability.

So look, I really don’t care if you dislike Bush for what he has done. Most of his actions have been controversial, and he hasn’t done the best of jobs in Iraq, so I’m willing to accept that many people have perfectly rational reasons for opposing him. But to oppose him because you think he’s stupid is certainly not rational, and it’s both unsophisticated and ignorant on your part.
Aquila says:

September 4, 2006 at 9:17 pm

Mokopa - you do raise valid points there, but I think most people still base their perception of George on the way he conducts himself, especially in public. Unfortunately we have to base our decisions on what we see and hear in the media. Frankly he is not the best public speaker, which doesn’t really help his public perception.

His dropping approval ratings are quite interesting.

Would have loved to say ignorance is bliss…oops, guess I just did.
Mokopa says:

September 4, 2006 at 10:31 pm

The problem is that most people base their perceptions of Bush on a limited number of media soundbites, his slow speech style and his occasional mangling of words. This is hardly sufficient to judge a man.

Even when focusing on only his public speaking, how often have you watched (or listened to) a full speech given by him? Or better yet, done the same with one of his press conferences? I’ve watched many of both, and I can assure you that he comes across as far more coherent and intelligent than in the usual five or ten second soundbites. But then most people, it seems, are content with having their opinions pre-packaged and conveniently delivered to them, so they never bother to look further.

His declining approval ratings are interesting, but hardly germane to this discussion as they have nothing to do with his intelligence. Instead, they’re a reflection of public concern over the rising oil price, the mistakes in Iraq, the unnecessary spending of the administration and Democrat scare-mongering about outsourcing. To be frank, I’m not entirely surprised: It’s common for presidents’ approval ratings to drop significantly during their second-term, especially if they have adopted controversial policies. In fact, it’s worth noting that Truman’s approval ratings at around about the same time in his second term were just as bad as Bush’s, despite the fact that the Truman Doctrine became the basis with which the United States fought the Cold War.
Eight says:

September 5, 2006 at 4:49 pm

Bush is an idiot!
luci says:

September 9, 2006 at 12:12 am

Howzabout ‘George Bush is evil’?