Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide To Zen

// June 15th, 2006 // Funnies // 2,791 views

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just F*@K off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

5. Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of morgage payments.

10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don’t succeed, give up skydiving.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

15. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

16. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.

25. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

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10 Responses to “Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide To Zen”

SproutingSeeds says:

2006/06/15 at 08:48

“20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.”
Finally!!!!!!! Woot!
Aquila says:

2006/06/15 at 09:55

….that’s probably why they call it theories and not action…..
robert says:

2006/06/15 at 10:23

So we all have been following the wrong code all these years! Nice to know.
Leo says:

2006/06/15 at 12:03

My Fav:

10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, youâ€™re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Peas on Toast says:

2006/06/15 at 14:14

Bless!
Katt says:

2006/06/15 at 15:55

If anyone has tips on how to get the hang of number 19 can they let me know please.
Aquila says:

2006/06/15 at 16:18

haha Katt – I think 19 and 22 are related, which in turn refers back to 10…

Robert – we should have been following the De Walt code instead?

Peas – gezuntheid
Gillie says:

2006/06/17 at 00:59

Did somebody steal my secret guide to life??! Number 18 is sadly too familiar and would be closer to the truth if I could hold it in my purse long enough to fold it – but some strange alien life form known as “children” seems to suck all forms of money from their hiding places and transform them into a wide variety of total (very expensive) rubbish within the flick of an eye!
angel says:

2006/06/18 at 22:18

man- that as truly excellent dude! thanx for the laugh!
jenny says:

2012/01/22 at 16:17

19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
People put their foot in their mouth!
So then if you keep it closed you won’t say anything stupid or embarrassing!